City Bans Plastic Bags
Live blogging from the City Council Chambers: The city council has just passed a measure banning plastic bags. Because paper bags were already recently banned, the council now recommends using reusable plastic buckets to round up loose household garbage in trash before placing the refuse into the city’s mobile curbside containers.
Grocery shoppers must use reusable bags made of materials like cotton, canvas, nylon, etc. Those unable to afford such bags are encouraged to take reusable shopping carts and baskets straight from the store.
Residents are reminded that due to the current water shortage, residents may not use city water to wash out reusable garbage buckets. Additionally, water restrictions do not permit washing of reusable bags soiled by fecal matter from vegetables or residue from dripping, uncooked meat juices. While such sanitary measures would reduce the number of enteric infections, they are nonetheless, BANNED.
This entry contains fictional information.
City Passes Alternate Drinking Water Days
Live blogging from the City Council Chambers: The city has just passed an ordinance allowing drinking water on alternate days for residents.
- Those living at even addresses may drink water on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
- Those living at odd addresses may drink water on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.
- Drinking water on Sunday? BANNED.
This entry contains fictional information.
Just Arrived! The Raleigh Piñata
Make your party in the City of Oaks a smash hit with the new Raleigh Piñata! Patterned after Raleigh’s beloved
Clarion Hotel
, the Raleigh Piñata is perfect for birthday parties, Bar Mitzvahs, weddings, and corporate events. It’s so much fun for the whole family, even grandma will enjoy taking a swing!
Order today.
While supplies last or until banned by the Raleigh City Council.
Tatton Hall Makes Way for Wal-Mart
Developers Smith and Smith announced today that Raleigh’s Tatton Hall will be razed and replaced by a new Wal-Mart. Representatives for Wal-Mart say they are excited to introduce this opportunity to central Raleigh. (
map it
)
Members of a local group are ecstatic to replace the aging structure. “It lacked grounded outlets, had mold, and needed huge upgrades to the plumbing and HVAC systems,” said Herbert Schmitt. “I’m glad to see something new in this part of town.”
The group’s opponents are even more excited to replace one of Raleigh’s houses least-complying with its neighborhood. “The setback, height, and materials didn’t even come close to blending with its neighbors,” said Josh Welbourne. Josh is president of of Raleigh’s chapter of Youths Against Wealthy Neighborhoods (Y.A.W.N.). “I’m glad to finally see something around here that serves the other America.” He also noted that houses like Tatton, with their large yards, contribute to sprawl, and added,”This Wal-Mart will prevent the construction of a new one in one of Raleigh’s perimeter areas.”
Residents in the area are particularly excited about the new retail opportunities offered by Wal-Mart. The site was once eyeballed for a much-needed Harris-Teeter, but Wal-Mart entered the picture with a higher bid for the property. Local politician Philip Meek is particularly excited. “I finally have a place inside the Beltline to buy underwear!” Raleigh’s ITB area has had a well-known scarcity of underwear outlets since the closing of Cameron Village’s Thalheimer’s location. The problem is so great that many have affectionately called the area of Raleigh “Commando Village”.
Construction will begin once readers understand that I wish everyone a Happy April Fool’s Day.
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