City Bans Deep Fryers
Live blogging from the City Council Chambers: The city council has just voted to ban deep fryers from houses and restaurant within the city limits. The reasons for the ban were many, including the danger from fryer-caused fires, the nutritional problems with fried food, and the disposal of used grease.
One councilor stated,”The choice is simple. Do we want house fires, heart disease, and a clogged sewer system? No. This is the right thing to do.”
This entry contains fictional information.
Approved: 27-digit Dialing
The utilities commission today approved sweeping changes in the way we use our phones. As of July 1, 2008, all telephone calls must use 27-digit dialing. This makes our state the first in an anticipated wave of “27-D” states. The new standard allows each person to have their own 27-digit phone number which would be a combination of their current 10-digit phone number + their 9-digit social security number + their 8-digit birthdate (DDMMYYYY).
In addition to the personalized phone numbers, phone companies have a mandatory deadline of August 1 to assign a unique ringtone to each customer. “This finally allows us to discontinue caller ID services,” said one phone company representative. “That service had the sex appeal of Mr. Bentley [on the TV show ‘The Jeffersons’]”.
This entry contains fictional information.
City Bans Loud Grunts
Live blogging from the City Council Chambers: The city council, in one of its longest-ever sessions, has banned loud grunting from tennis facilities in city parks. One councilor stated,”I went to Exchange Park and it sounded like a bunch of hyenas out there. Everybody knows that in combat, you want to stay ‘stealthy’. Tennis is no different. You have to sneak up on your opponent.”
This entry contains fictional information.
City Votes to Ban Roll-on
Live blogging from the City Council Chambers: The city council has just voted to remove deodorant from the shelves of all city retail outlets. Supporters of the “ban on Ban” say the move is required to remove aluminum from citizens’ lives. Aluminum is thought to play a role in the development of Alzheimer’s Disease.
City officials also cite improvement of the city’s sewer system as a measure. “It would make my job a lot easier if nobody used the damned thing [sewer system],” said one key official. He continued by saying the accumulation of residue from antiperspirants is contributing to massive sewer backflows.
Citizens are urged to not sweat until Falls Lake levels reach normal levels for 180 consecutive days.
This entry contains fictional information.
City Bans Closed Toe Shoes
Live blogging from the City Council Chambers: The city council has just adopted a measure banning closed-toe shoes within the city limits. The measure is one anticipated to greatly improve the health of citizens as toenails will finally be able to breathe. “While bare feet can lead to tapeworms, sandals are the greatest. It gives us a feel more in touch with Biblical times,” said one councilor.
The measure begins immediately. Residents are reminded that they may not wash their feet until Falls Lake is completely filled for 180 straight days.
This entry contains fictional information.
City Bans Light Switches
Live blogging from the City Council Chambers:
The city has just passed a ban on traditional light switches. “We need to do everything we can to save energy, a precious resource,” said one council member. Property owners have until June 1 to replace all traditional light switches with switches that automatically shut off within 15 minutes.
The city has also banned “meter-feeding” with the switches (extending an already-on timer by adding time). The new ordinance explicitly mandates that all timers must exhaust their 15 minute activation cycle before new time is added.
The replacement switches may be activated by manual activation or by clapping. To demonstrate, several councilors clapped in unison to reactivate the chamber’s light system. The chamber was recently converted to clap-activated lighting, however the city budget has not yet allowed for the creation of a professional clapper position.
Many local business owners are irate. Officials from a local unnamed sports complex said they worry that clapping sports fans will wreak havoc on nationally televised events. They were reminded that timers could be used, but may not be extended until exhausting the 15 minute timer span. They were also reminded that their current lighting setup has been BANNED.
This entry contains fictional information.
City Bans Lawns
Live blogging from the City Council Chambers: In a busy day at the city council chambers, the city has banned grass from all land inside the city. Citing water quality and supply issues, the council’s concerns over irrigation and fertilization required the measure. It is recommended that citizens replace grassy lawns, golf courses, and recreational facilities with a new product made from shredded, used automobile tires.
This entry contains fictional information.
City Bans Street Lights
Live blogging from the City Council Chambers: In an energy-saving measure, the city council has just voted to remove all street lights from the city. “Cars have headlights, so drivers can see just fine with them. Do you think we have streetlights when we fight wars? NO!” said one councilor.
Another councilor added,”Energy is a precious resource and we need to do all we can to conserve.”
Citizens are urged to carry flashlights such as this one to ensure pedestrian safety, since streetlights are now BANNED.
This entry contains fictional information.
City Bans Amalgam and Composite Dental Fillings
Live blogging from the City Council Chambers: The city council has just banned the use of both metal (amalgam) and tooth-colored (composite) dental materials. Citing water quality problems, the city has decided to follow Norway’s lead in banning mercury-containing amalgam fillings. One spokesperson said,”When these fillings are replaced, the mercury-containing materials get sucked up and dumped into our sewer lines.” The city has recently imposed some “minor” adjustments in citizens’ lives for sewer health, but this is the first “major” move.
The council also has banned the alternative, composite restorations, as well. According to a 1997 study at the University of Grenada, Spain, trace amounts of unconverted Bis-GMA mimicked estrogen in lab rats. The council decided not to ban all Bis-GMA-containing products now, but promised “swift action soon”.
Discovery of the Bis-GMA problem was only recent. A recent News & Observer article outlined the dangers of certain plastics, and a city councilor decided to act with swift action. “We think that for the health of the elderly, children, and little puppies, we need to remove these materials from our city. If you don’t support the ban, then you are for mass graves of the elderly, children, and little puppies.”
As for a dental alternative, patients can still use a certain non-Bis-GMA containing restorative material that happens to be light blue in color. Until a solution is found, it is the only choice as the other choices are now BANNED.
This entry contains fictional information.
City Plans for Roundabouts on Capital
Live blogging from the City Council Chambers: The city has just approved funding for the installation of 37 roundabouts on Capital Boulevard. The roundabouts will begin just north of the Atlantic Avenue intersection and will extend to the intersection of I-540. In addition the boulevard will be narrowed to account for better pedestrian safety. The plan calls for the road to have just one lane in each direction. A study will ensue to determine the feasibility of removing several traffic signals in the stretch of the city’s northern gateway. This entry contains fictional information.
Schools Vote In Week-Round Schools
The public school system today adopted measures to convert all schools in the system to week-round schools. In the new system, all students will be assigned day-tracks, and will rotate which days they have away from school.
“Our costs keep rising and the only way we could afford to educate all of these students is to use the buildings more efficiently,” said one board member.
Some are concerned that Sunday, a traditional day of atonement, will be used for schooling. The board responded with this statement,”We feel that the only way to follow the mandate of separation of church and state is to have school on Sunday. The board wants to embrace all religions and the only fair way to do so is to favor no religion. We feel that while religion is important, it should be exercised during free time from school.”
Because the school system will soon enact year-round schooling in four tracks, each child will be assigned to one of the new 48 day tracks adopted by the board.
This entry contains fictional information.
City Bans Flatulence in Public Parks
Live blogging from the City Council Chambers: The city council has just approved an ordinance banning flatulation in public parks. While the release of gas by human is a nuisance to those nearby, the council stayed fervent in their drive to protect the environment. Human gas contains high concentrations of methane, which is a direct contributor to global warming. When asked how vegetarians will cope with this measure, one councilor said,”It’s the right thing to do.”
For clarification, burping, per se, is allowed, but only during even hours, and is thus, not BANNED.
This entry contains fictional information.
City Bans Drive-Thrus
Live blogging from the City Council Chambers: The city council has just banned drive thrus. All banks, fast food restaurants, and dry cleaners will not only have to discontinue their drive thru services as of May 1, they must also be demolish these facilities by June 1.
The measure is a response to growing smog problems and to declining health of citizens. The council feels that if people get out of their cars and walk the extra 50 feet to receive services inside, the city’s average life expectancy will rise by at least 3 days. Though silent idling hybrid cars are growing in market share, the council feels that cars waiting up to 5 minutes are a direct contributor to the collapse of polar ice shelves.
When the costs to businesses was brought up to the council by a local bank president, the unanimous response was that the ban is “the right thing to do”. One councilor stated that, “This measure is the right thing to do to ensure that the elderly and children are provided for. Anyone for drive-thrus is essentially ‘for’ the death of children and widespread sickness in our population. The only option for drive thrus is that they be BANNED.”
This entry contains fictional information.
Recent Stories
- North Carolina Loses The Great Teacher February 9, 2015
- City Lays Markings for Currituck Obstacle Course February 4, 2015
- History Making Heels and Wolfpack Prepare for Battle January 14, 2015
- 25 Predictions for 2015 January 5, 2015
- Raleigh’s 10 Biggest Stories of 2014 January 2, 2015
- 2014: The Rain Year January 2, 2015
- Tupelo Honey Sets New Casual Standard December 1, 2014
- 2013 Predictions. A Look Back November 18, 2014
- Wicked Taco Bringing Fresh-Mex to Western Blvd November 17, 2014
- DOT Unveils I-440 Widening Plans November 12, 2014
- County Power Shift Brings Major Changes to Raleigh’s Future November 5, 2014
- Jarrett Bay Store Coming to Crabtree September 25, 2014
- FirstWatch Coming to Glenwood Avenue September 9, 2014
- Big Shindig Releases Set Times September 5, 2014
- Appearance Commission to Review Residence Inn September 3, 2014